10 tips on connecting with your Foster Child

Integrating a foster child into your home can come with its challenges. But it’s important to remember that those initial days and months are a period of intense change for the young person in your care. So, it may take a while for them to come out of their shell and begin to trust.

However, there are many things you can do to support them along the way, help build up that connection and ensure your foster child feels safe, welcomed and understood. With that in mind, we’ve outlined 10 tips to help you emotionally connect with your foster child and make their transition into your home as seamless as possible.

1. Make time for them

The first, and arguably most important, piece of advice for developing a relationship with your foster child is making time for them. And this doesn’t just mean being around when they’re home from school or college. It’s about planning quality time together.

From watching a film together to grabbing a warm drink on your journey home, the idea is to create pockets of time for you to be able to connect one-on-one. Even if they’re reserved to start with, keep making the time. These breaks from routine create opportunities for your foster child to open up as they learn to relax and enjoy your company.

2. Always be ready to listen

Effective communication with children isn’t just one-sided - your foster child also needs to feel seen and heard. So, always make the time to listen to them when they’re ready to talk.

It may be hard to hear about their past experiences and innermost thoughts, but it’s important as a foster parent to listen and respond with respect and compassion. You want them to know they can confide in you, no matter the time or place. And, though you may not always understand, their feelings are always valid.

3. Establish a routine

Settling in with a foster family can be a turbulent time in a young person’s life. So, in order to form a lasting connection with your foster child, you must first ensure they feel safe and secure in your home. Establishing a routine is a great way to do this, as it can create a much-needed sense of stability.

From cooking together to sharing family meals, these daily habits create consistency and structure, whilst providing easy opportunities to bond with your foster child. You may also find they’re willing to open up more when their attention is on another task, as it can be less intense than a face-to-face conversation.

4. Praise positive behaviour

Praise, praise, and more praise! Of course, you may experience some challenging behaviours that should not be positively reinforced, but even in these circumstances, you should always aim to understand where this behaviour has come from.

That said, when they do demonstrate positive behaviour, this should be rewarded. That way, they’ll not only benefit from the positive reinforcement, but they’ll see that you are willing to praise them for good behaviour, which can boost their confidence and self-worth. A little thanks goes a long way, so don’t overlook this step.

5. Earn their trust

Trust is essential to establishing a relationship with your foster child. This won’t always come quickly, especially if the child or young person in your care has had a challenging past. But there are things you can do to show your vulnerability and demonstrate your trustworthiness.

Sharing something personal about yourself can help them feel trusted. Alternatively, you could give them certain privileges or responsibilities, like using the computer independently or walking the dog. These small acts help demonstrate your trust in them, which will, in turn, help develop their trust in you.

6. Show your affection

Children and young people in care all have different feelings about physical touch, so navigating physical affection is something your social worker can support you with. That said, where appropriate, small acts of physical affection can be incredibly healing for a child in care.

Something as simple as a high-five or a pat on the back is a great starting point. Not only can they serve as positive reinforcement, but they also show your openness to physical affection whilst still respecting your foster child’s boundaries.

7. Prioritise honesty

You can’t have trust without honesty. So, prioritising honest communication in your home is essential. And this starts with you.

Being honest with your foster child and following through on your promises teaches them they can rely on you to tell the truth. Similarly, admitting to mistakes or acknowledging you don’t always have the answers demonstrates accountability and teaches them that honesty is more important than perceived perfection. Failing to do so can cause your foster child to doubt your intentions and question your trustworthiness.

8. Connect with and over their birth family

Whilst your foster child should become an integrated member of your family, it’s important they know you’re not trying to replace their family members. Instead, it’s about showing your care and support for their relationships, even if they can no longer live at home.

If your foster child is able to maintain a relationship with their parent(s), you should encourage conversations about their family, attend visits and develop your own relationship with their parent(s). Alternatively, if the young person in your care no longer has contact with their birth family, you should still be open to talking about them when your foster child feels comfortable enough to do so.

9. Invest in their hobbies and interests

Showing a genuine interest in your foster child’s hobbies is an excellent way to connect with them. From painting and reading to rock-climbing or ice skating, investing time into learning about their hobbies and even getting involved, shows a level of care beyond meeting their daily needs.

Alternatively, if they haven’t had the opportunity to explore their hobbies before now, you could discover their interests together. Trying new activities encourages you to be vulnerable, and even if you decide that the activity isn’t for you, you can still have fun along the way.

10. Be patient

Like with any relationship, connecting with your foster child will take time, so don’t rush it. Where possible, avoid showing signs of frustration if you’re struggling to connect with your foster child, as this could set you back. Instead, try confiding in your friends, family and fostering support network when you need support. Just be patient, keep showing up, and, in time, they will learn to trust you.

Building an emotional connection with your foster child

Establishing an emotional connection with your foster child won’t happen overnight. It’s the sum of hours of carefully listening and learning about the child in your care and understanding what makes them feel safe, seen and valued. But once you’ve laid down those roots, the relationship between foster parent and child can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling of all.

Whether you’re an existing foster carer or you’re considering fostering for the first time, we would love to hear from you. As an Employee Owned Trust, we’re committed to investing in the long-term well-being of our children and carers and would love to welcome you to the Capstone family. Simply submit an enquiry, and a member of our team will give you a call to offer their friendly advice and teach you all about Capstone Foster Care.